I have thought of this story often and I haven't ever had
time to write it down. This is more for me and my hope to not forget about it.
I have been working on this blog for quite some time now and just write when I
get a free moment. I should probably apologize now that this might be world’s
longest blog :)
I often think about their birth on Sunday morning --
partly because they were born on a Sunday and because I get up at 5:30 every
Sunday morning to pump. I pump a lot of milk in the mornings and I usually need
about an hour to pump. So I pump 2 big bottles at 5:30 and then I take a shower
about 6:15 and get ready. Then I wake Michael up at 6:40ish to take a shower
and get ready so by 7:10 we are dressing the babies to feed at 7:30. At 7:30 I
also pump again since I won't get the opportunity to pump again until about
11:30 after church. And then by 8:05 we are headed out the door to stop by our
favorite breakfast place so we are at church by 8:40. Partly because I have
slight panic attacks if the possibility exists of me being late and because our
van is mammoth and we have to get a certain parking spot in order to fully be
able to open the side doors to get the babies out and all our stuff. Whew! So,
all of that to say I think about the babies on Sunday morning about 5:30. It's
exhausting to get up that early yet it is the only time in the week that is
mine. I can count on that time for 45 minutes of silence (minus the sound of my
pump and the fact that my breasts are being suctioned by a very strong machine
-- ha!) But I take what I can get...
I remember back to that day and the miraculous parts of
it as well as the agonizing pain. It all started on Saturday, Oct. 6th. Our
fridge died Friday evening and Michael had cleared out the fridge and we were
waiting on our landlord. I was starving and wanted to drive so badly to get
myself some food but I promised Michael I wouldn't. So a friend said she would
bring me lunch. I was so hungry and had eaten most every snack in the house
(which wasn't much!) So about 3 I got some food and then a friend from church
brought me dinner about 5. It was a Mexican taco salad (I will probably always
remember that and I haven't eaten a taco salad since that night). I started
feeling a little funny and it was becoming difficult to breathe. Michael got
home from work about 9 and I was doing this weird breathing thing. We both
assumed Naomi and Levi were up in my ribs and making it difficult. So we went
to bed (or I attempted bed) but it didn't last long. I couldn't breathe so I
got up and sat in the recliner and then on the couch. By that point I was
starting to feel sick so I thought I would go to the bathroom. So I sat in the
bathroom for a while and then I threw up. It was in that moment that I knew
something was wrong. I hadn't thrown up the entire pregnancy and now I was
sick. I called the hospital triage line but they told me I need to call the
on-call doctor for my OB office. So I called and spoke to a very asleep
sounding doctor. By that point I had thrown up 2 more times. The doctor said
she didn't know what the problem was but since I was 32 weeks with triplets she
said to go to the hospital. So by this point it's around 4:30 or 5am. Michael
had slept through everything so far so I went and woke him up and told him we
needed to go. He was a little surprised but put some clothes on and we left. I
had no hospital bag packed because I was sure I had 2 more weeks. On the way to
the hospital I felt increasingly sicker.
Michael and I
still joke about the next part. He thought it was just the babies in my ribs
and they would give me some pain meds and send me back home so he didn't let me
out at the door. He parked in the garage and we walked in -- ha! We sat down
and they found all my paperwork on the computer and then put me in a wheelchair
to go to triage. By this point I felt really sick and threw up some more once
we got to the room. They started hooking me up to the machines to find
heartbeats and putting in an IV in my hand. I was in complete pain during those
moments. I was having contractions every 2 minutes, I felt so sick, and I
couldn't breathe. During that time it also began the hunt for Naomi's
heartbeat. They would seem to have it and then they would lose it. If you've
ever had 3 monitors hooked to your stomach you understand the difficulty of
trying to find a heartbeat without confusing it with someone else’s heartbeat. Michael said he was going to call my mom and
his parents. He let them know we were in the hospital and we weren't sure what
the problem was yet. The nurses then began making comments about having these
babies today and we were surprised. The asleep doctor I had talked to on the
phone came in; I remember her talking to me but I wasn't listening too well. I
just remember repeatedly asking for Dr. Bellardo. She said he wasn't on call
this weekend and had family stuff going on. She acted like she wasn't going to
tell him I was here and I just remember asking and asking. They then brought in
the high risk doctor that would deliver the babies if I had them today. I
listened more to her as she explained that she thought I had preeclampsia and
it was attacking my liver. She wanted to draw blood and kept assuring me that
she would be with me throughout it all. I came to a semi-peace that I would maybe let her deliver my babies but I
still wasn't sold on the idea. I kept thinking that I could live through this
pain for another day so Dr. Bellardo could deliver tomorrow morning. Michael
called my mom again (I think he called a couple times) and she decided to come
up. By that point it was clear that I was being admitted so they were going to
move me to a room. They checked my cervix before I left triage and announced it
was still long and closed. I'm convinced that my cervix is made of steel now to
hold 3 babies and never go short.
I was now in a room with 3 monitors hooked to me trying
to find heartbeats. I would stay like this for the next several hours. I had to
lie on my side as I couldn't breathe on my back. At one point they let me try
and roll over because my hip was in so much pain but I couldn't breathe on that
side either. A very sweet nurse sat by my side for the remainder of her shift
and even stayed with me in the OR. She worked vigorously to find Naomi's
heartbeat. She even ordered a bed side ultrasound. The asleep doctor came back
in but I didn't pay much attention to her again. I remember feeling very
annoyed with her because I wanted her to call Dr. Bellardo. She announced that
my liver counts were high and they would be hooking me up to magnesium. She
said they would draw my blood again at 2 to make a decision to take the babies
or not. I was already hooked to fluids and a catheter had been put in. So they
added magnesium to my drip and the sweet nurse explained that my hand was going
to burn because of the magnesium and it would make me hot. This began the
terribleness of the next several hours. They started me on fast drip to get it
in my system. My hand was on fire and I was so hot. The contractions were every
6 minutes, she was chasing Naomi all over my stomach, and I was sweating A LOT.
On top of all that they wouldn't give me any water. My hands and feet were so
swollen because I had no water. I felt like death. My mom convinced them to
give me some ice chips. So every hour I could get 10 little ice chips and you
know they measured it too J
My mom stood there faithfully, with her cold hands, and rubbed my back to try
and cool me down. Eventually she convinced them to give me a wet wash cloth for
my face. I remember sucking the water out of the wash cloth just dying for some
water. Time seemed to pass slowly and quickly at the same time. I was trying to
figure out my plan to endure this pain until Monday morning when Dr. Bellardo
could come. Around noon they convinced my sweet nurse to take a little break
and Nurse Gabby came in. She was nice as well and she followed Naomi's
heartbeat around. It has been determined that Naomi had dropped down to where
Ethan was and wanted to hang out with him. Gabby then let it slip that Dr.
Bellardo had called. I was so excited in that moment and there was a release of
tension from my body. She said that he had called when he saw my name in the
computer and said that if I had the babies today that he would be the one to
deliver them. I'm sure the high risk doctor had delivered her share of
multiples but there is something about 3 little lives being inside of you,
someone cutting you open, and being at risk of a seizure due to the
preeclampsia that makes you want someone you know and trust to cut you open. I
was relieved that he would be coming yet that didn't take away the pain from
those moments.
They came again at 2 to take my blood to check my liver
counts. That blood work would determine if the magnesium was working and we
could wait or if I would be having these babies today. I feel like it was a
whirlwind after that. Close to 3:00pm they came back with my results that my
liver counts were in the mid-200's and it should be down in the 30's. They said
Dr. Bellardo would be here in 30 minutes and they told Michael to put all the garb
on. They had brought his outfit in earlier that day just in case. The
anesthesiologist assistant had come in earlier to tell me all my risks. I
didn't pay much attention to him either and I just signed my name. I think I
was okay with dying at that moment just to get out of the extreme pain I was
in.
The nurse had already gotten me ready during a quiet
moment when no one was in the room. They got all my IV's and pushed me down the
hall. They had a chair outside the OR for Michael while they did my spinal. I
remember them saying the room was a little chilly and I remember feeling
thankful because I was on fire still. They carefully switched me to a different
bed and the room started getting crowded. I counted a total of 15 people in the
OR with me. Everyone came and introduced themselves to me and told me what part
they would be playing. I was then introduced to Vonda and we became quite
close. To do the spinal you have to bend your back and stay still. Vonda held
me still while I had my head in her chest. They told me they would numb it
first and then I should feel it in the middle of my back. They said to let them
know if I felt it to the right or left. I honestly had no idea. He did it the
first time and I heard him say it didn't work. And then the second time. He
said I was too swollen to put it in. And then the third time. And finally the
fourth time it worked. During one of the tries Dr. Bellardo came in and held my
hand and said, "Anna, I'm here” He only said those 3 words to me but that
was all I needed to hear.
And then Michael came back in and sat next to me on a
chair. He opted to not watch the surgery :) I remember another doctor came in
and acted as Dr. Bellardo's assistant. She happened to be in the hospital and
had never been a part of triplets being born so she asked to help. She told me
that she would be pushing. Michael said they poked me to see if I had any
feeling which I didn't (thank goodness!) and then it began! I started smelling
something burning and I asked Michael if I was on fire. He looked over and saw
that they had wrapped my stomach in plastic wrap and they were using a blade to
cut. I guess it is so hot that it seals off your blood vessels to help you not
to lose as much blood. It took a couple minutes and then I heard my Baby A cry
(Ethan) at 3:56pm. The assistant doctor appeared to be on top of me and she was
pushing Naomi and Levi down. At 3:57 I heard my sweet Baby B cry (Naomi) and at
3:58 I heard my Baby C cry (Levi). I'm not sure if there is a sweeter sound
than your babies’ cry in that moment. It meant they were alive, that we had
survived this, and everything would be okay. There were 3 NICU nurses standing
ready with a warm blanket for each baby as well as 3 respiratory therapists and
the neonatologist. They placed the babies in the warmers and began looking them
over. They started saying the APGAR scores and they were high so I knew we were
good. Michael went over and took some pictures of them. It felt like just a few
minutes had passed and they were taking the babies to the NICU to further
assess them and put them onto some oxygen. Each nurse brought me a baby for me
to see and kiss before they took them. Our plan was for Michael to follow them
to the NICU so he left with them. And then they went to work on putting me back
together. Near the end Dr. Bellardo came over and sat with me. He held my hand
and told me that I had done a wonderful job. He said that he had thought about
me that weekend and thought that maybe we could go to 35 weeks since I was
doing so well. He then said that it was just a God-moment and he felt like he
needed to look at his computer to see if
anyone had been admitted to the hospital. He said that he saw my name and was
confused why I would be there so he called to check on me. I was so relieved in
those moments when I knew that he would be there. And then he gave me the
not-so-good news. He said that I needed to stay on the magnesium for 24 hours
because I was at risk for a seizure which meant that I would not be able to see
my babies. I was upset about it yet I had prepared myself for a whole list of
things that could happen so I thought I took it in stride. Even though I wanted
to be with my babies so badly I knew that their safety was foremost in those
coming hours and days. They finished me up and then cleaned all the blood off
of me and took me back to the room.
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| Dr. Bellardo doing the C-Section |
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| The nurses and NIC doctor checking out the babies |
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| Ethan |
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| Naomi |
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| Levi |
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My parents were there waiting and Michael soon came back
from the NICU. He showed me all the pictures and their weights. Ethan was 4lbs,
7oz, Naomi was 3lbs, 12oz, and Levi was 3lbs, 8oz. I was amazed at their
weights and knew that they would be okay. I asked the nurse for a pump so I
could begin my journey of breast feeding them. They didn't drink any milk for a
couple days as they were just on fluids. Their bodies were too little and
underdeveloped to digest milk. The nurse showed me how to pump and I began
pumping every 2 hours. It was exciting the first day as I produced some
colostrum and they put it in a vile. And then it began the hard days of pumping
and pumping with nothing to show for it. I think that could be another blog on
learning to breastfeed three babies…
Later that night Michael's parents arrived and everyone
went down to the NICU to see the babies. Michael took his phone and I had the
iPad so we could FaceTime and I could see the babies. They were so small yet I
was already so in love with them. The next 24 hours went by quickly. The night
was long as I pumped through the night and they kept waking me up to check my
vitals and draw blood. During the next day my mom helped get me clean as I felt
disgusting. I had sweated so much the day before and my hair hadn't been washed
in a couple days. I wanted to be clean when they let me go see the babies. I
also spent much of that day dreaming of food. They finally let me have some
water and sprite but I was hungry! I was cleared close to dinner time for clear
liquids. I never knew chicken broth could taste so amazing. Close to 5:00pm Dr.
Bellardo gave the clear for me to go to the NICU. I was still attached to an IV
so they had to push it down with me. The next moment would probably be one of
the most painful moments I have ever experienced. I had to get from the bed to
the wheelchair which meant I had to stand up. I hadn't stood in probably 32
hours at that point. The nurse, my mom, and Michael helped me and I just cried.
I have never known pain like that before. However, the next moments after that
though would be some of my happiest. They pushed me to the NICU and I
semi-scrubbed in as I still had an IV in my hand. Michael wheeled me to the
very back where the intensive unit was and there laid my 3 precious babies. I
wish there were words for that moment. They let me touch each one and lay my
hands on them. I was amazed by them and also that these 3 babies had been
inside of me. I know in the blog I mentioned several times about not fully
understanding that I was carrying 3 babies. Well it finally hit me when I saw
them. They were perfect and flawless to me despite the IV's, oxygen, wires,
machines beeping, and feeding tubes.
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| Meeting Ethan |
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| Ethan |
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| Meeting Naomi |
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| Meeting Levi |
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| Naomi |
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| Levi |
That night I was moved to the maternity floor. They were
really nice to me and would schedule my pumpings at night with when they needed
to do my vitals so I could get sleep. Michael slept on a couch next to me and
would help me throughout the night. Every day became a little easier to move
and I would practice walking down the halls or walking around the NICU. Dr.
Bellardo came every morning to check on me and look at my swelling and blood
pressure. I was having some pretty high spikes in my blood pressure so they put
me on some medication. I ended up staying on the meds for 4 weeks until my body
got used to life without carrying 3 babies. By the way, I’m not sure my body
has gotten use to it yet :)
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| Our first family pic |
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| Holding all 3 for the first time |
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| Holding my boys |
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| Holding Levi 1st time |
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| Holding Naomi 1st time |
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| Holding Ethan 1st time |
The next 21 days would be the emotional roller coaster of
“living in the NICU.” I would spend 10-12 hours a day sitting in front of them
and watching. Every 2 hours I would leave for 30 minutes and go to the
lactation room to pump. Sometimes I would fall asleep pumping I was so
exhausted. The nurses would let me change their diapers, take their temps, and
feed them every 3 hours. The boys ate on the same schedule and Naomi was an
hour later. At night the nurses would let me change their clothes during the
nightly weigh-in and every 3rd night I was allowed to give them a
soap bath. And every night was heart was torn as I left my babies behind in the
hospital even though I knew they were in the place they needed to be. I could
write another whole, long blog on the NICU journey yet I was thankful for some
sweet nurses, mainly the night nurses, who taught me how to care for 3 babies
at a time and answered all of my questions. On Day 20 we “roomed-in” with the
boys so we could take them home and we cared for Naomi the whole night as well
even though we would have to leave her. It was one of the hardest things to
leave her. It was a happy time since we were taking the boys home yet my heart
was torn on where I needed to be. Michael and I took turns going up to the
hospital to feed Naomi and spend time with her. On Day 25 they finally said we
could take her home and my heart was complete.
The journey home and the first few months were a
whirlwind as I felt like walking zombie. Michael and I stuck together though
and endured those long nights together. My mom would also come up a couple
nights so Michael could get some sleep. I knew if we could just make it through
the first 3-4 months then we would be good. Those first few months were difficult
as we learned a schedule, how to make a baby eat, pumping, waking the babies
every 3 hours even if they were asleep, and trying to maintain a twinge of normalcy.
I don’t think that I struggled with Postpartum Depression because I’m not sure
I allowed myself to feel much during that time. I knew that I was exhausted yet
I was their mother and needed to care for them. I went into “mama mode” where
you just “do” without really ever thinking about how everything in my life was
different. To be honest, I will say that I was probably harder on myself than I
needed to be. It was so difficult for me to admit that I needed assistance, at
times, to care for my babies. I had just cared and nurtured them for 32 weeks
and 3 days; however, now I needed help caring for my babies. There were moments when my emotions were high and I just
cried with the babies because I was equally as sad that I couldn’t meet all the
needs of my babies at the same time and when they needed me. Those moments didn’t
last long though as I was always very quickly pulled back into reality and all
of the things that needed to be done around me. The first few months were also
probably some of my loneliest. Days or sometimes weeks would pass by and I hadn’t
set foot outside. It was alienating to be sent home with three babies and told
to keep them away from all people for fear of them getting sick. It was
Michael, my mom, and me that waded through the first few months and we all
survived J
When I look back it seems like those moments/stages
lasted for just a brief moment even though it felt like years had passed when I
was wading through them. I am crazy in love with my babies and I can’t say that
it has all been easy, yet it has definitely all been worth it. I would do it
all over again tomorrow if I had to (I might stop and cry first), yet I wouldn’t
change being the mama to three precious babies. They light up our lives in a
way that Michael and I never expected or deserve. They truly are our triple
blessings :)
