The babies are still doing really well! They are growing so much and it makes us so proud them! Someone at church yesterday commented on how big the babies are getting and the stereotype that because they are triplets they should naturally be smaller. That is the case for some triplets yet ours have continued to flourished and we are so thankful that we have not encountered many issues with their growth and development. We are still continually amazed at how God has blessed us and these babies.
We are approaching the one year anniversary of finding out that we were going to have triplets. I hope to never forget that moment. We knew that we were pregnant with twins--Baby A (Ethan) and Baby C (Levi). There was still question about Baby B (Naomi) if she was going to develop. I should of known then that this might be a clue of what her personality might be like because she is a fighter, stubborn, and feisty...she may or may not be my daughter :) So, Michael and I went into the ultrasound not knowing what we were about to see. Michael thought it would be twins, yet I had this gut feeling that I was pregnant with triplets. As I laid on the table our beloved Patty started to do the ultrasound. She warned us that she may not say anything at first until she looked everything over--we should of known then. So, the ultrasound began and she looked all over and then start labeling the babies--A, B, and C. She then measured each of the babies and we listened to their heartbeats. I was 8 weeks pregnant yet there hearts were so strong sounding. It was very evident that not only had Naomi decided she wanted to stay along for the ride but that she had caught completely up to the boys. All Michael and I could do was laugh at each other. Patty printed off the pictures for us and then we waited to see the doctor.
As we waited to see the doctor all we could do was stare at the pictures. We were in awe of them and already so in love with them. We were experiencing a thousand different emotions all at the same time. The doctor then came into the room with my chart and she sat down. She came in ready to defend her work as the doctor, their practice, and the fertility center. She went over all of my numbers again with me. She said that my estrogen levels weren't high enough and that I only had 3 follicles that were 16mm, 15mm, and 12mm. She explained, once again, that in order for a follicle to be mature it must be 18mm. They went ahead and did the IUI on the chance that the 16mm would mature and form a baby. We knew from the beginning that they didn't want me to carry multiples due to the risk I would carry personally and the risk that the babies wouldn't survive. As she sat there and explained it all to us she said--"Research cannot explain these babies. You should not have these three babies. If someone came in again with your same condition and numbers we would do the same treatment with them because this shouldn't of happen." If there was ever an affirming moment in my life or a moment when I knew that God truly existed and is all that He says He is then it was that moment.
So all of this brings me back to the topic of faith. I felt in that moment that God, with a twinkle in His eye and laugh in His voice, said to me, "Oh you of little faith why would you doubt me?" My sister recently sent me an article about mental health and Christianity and the stigma that is often surrounds it. There is a belief that the two don't coincide and and is the result of one's lack of faith. I am pretty passionate about that subject so she will often send me things about that topic because I believe it is so largely ignored and misrepresented in our culture. And then I was reading a blog that I follow that was touching on homelessness and the poor and how that is often seen as a result of a lack of faith. And then yesterday in church our pastor was talking about faith and he was mentioning a meeting he was apart of where they were discussing why it is difficult to always have faith. He mentioned infertility and a chord was struck in my heart.
All of that began running in my head and I began to think about our anniversary coming up. I can't say that I had great faith during our infertility process. I started the journey with "great" faith yet at every disappointment my level of faith continually decreased. If I could be honest then I would say I was starting to feel faith-less. I was beginning to question if God truly was going to answer the desires of my heart. We were on our 4th round and the doctor had already said that there was a 25% chance that this was even going to work and my doctor said he could offer a 100% chance that I would never conceive a child on my own. Nothing seemed to be going in our favor and we had already spent $2,000 of own money on this round of treatment. How were we going to pay for another round when we had just spent all of our savings?
My sister and I were recently talking about how we love that we believe in a God who welcomes our questions, doubts, and concerns. That He has never backed down from them before and is okay with our authenticity. I figured a long time ago that I minus well be honest with God since He already knows my thoughts anyways. I am so thankful that I worship a God who continually acts on my behalf despite my lack of complete trust.
So, back to that moment at the doctor's office. As the doctor told us that we shouldn't be having these babies I also experienced a type of peace that I've never experienced before. As we learned of the risks of carrying multiples, the risks to my personal health, the complete bed-rest at 20 weeks, having to quit my job, our financial concerns, and even on the day of delivery when the preeclampsia had set in and they were worried about Naomi's heartbeat there was an overwhelming peace that I felt.
I'm not sure that I could ever testify of our experience with fertility and take any claims that I was faithful and believed the whole time that God was going to perform a miracle. However, I can say that I never stopped believing that God was/is able. I couldn't ever say that I knew the outcome or that God was going to grant me my petition of having children, yet I never doubted that He was/is able. For a good portion of my teenage years and early college years I would say that I definitely doubted that God was able. Through my questioning of God and counseling I discovered God to be able. I also discovered that despite my faithlessness that God would be faithful to me. I still haven't wrapped my head around that one and probably never will. However, I do know that I will strive to work on being continually faithful and along the way I will probably have more questions yet God will welcome my authenticity and continually show me that He is able. God is truly faithful to His people if we believe--after all, it only takes the size of a mustard seed but some days it seems like those mustard seeds are the size of glaciers. Thanks be to God that He pursues His children and never gives up on us.
I think this song sums it all up:
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